Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
