i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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