Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ugly people sure do ruin things
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Life is so much better after having sex.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
