I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
