dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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