wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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