mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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