i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
