you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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