I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
