Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
