My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My ass is underappreciated
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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