woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize