i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
