On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
