it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
