This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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