wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
