Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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