is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
