fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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