Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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