Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
