I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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