Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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