Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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