Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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