There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
