Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
