i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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