His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
