when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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