I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
