Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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