A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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