i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
