I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
