Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This is the high leading the old right now
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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