If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
