I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He felt like a one man threesome
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You are the jesus of drinking
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
