I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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