I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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