Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
