I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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