wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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