I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize