im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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