Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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