I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
