I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize