Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
