I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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