My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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