You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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