the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
