Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
