Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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