Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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