You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
