so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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