i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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