I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
