So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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