If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
