It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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