Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
