He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I can text with my tongue
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
