Cold hands, warm shart.
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If that was your dad, he is hot
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the day after is always just damage control
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
