Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
