My friends, they love my intelligence
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize