he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
