dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
